Attention readers: Jason Weigandt's British Uncle spends most of the year sleeping, a requirement of his advanced age, but when opportunity to regain lost glory knocks hard enough to wake him, he quickly finds a notebook and feather pen, jots his musings, and mails them to us. As always, the man firmly has both aching feet entrenched on the European side of all arguments. Read and beware!
Oh ‘ello! Lord Alfred Weigandt here, in fact red with rage over Bud Red, which is not a buddy of mine. The Bud Red track is obviously sponsored by America’s “King of Beers” (as improper of a pint as I’ve even tasted, and an insult to royalty everywhere). It’s a terrible situation. We Euros will be drowning in our sorrows due to the short-sighted decision to allow the race to take place in America, and worse yet, we won’t even have good beer in which to forget the pain! But hey, we Brits are used to such pig-headed decisions by the greater Europe, and that’s why we’ve gone Brexit. The sun will shine on the British empire again someday. The rest of Europe can shove off, save for Herlings who is brilliant.
It very much pains me to write this next sentence (I mean, it literally does as my hands and fingers are overcome with arthritis). I must now admit that Team USA is probably the favorite to win this year’s event. However, I actually hope they win. If so, we will avoid an even larger loss.
Allow me to explain. Unlike previous the U.S. Trophy des Nations events, this one is not held on the coasts but in the central region of the nation. This will make it even easier to trap Europe’s great riders and keep them for study, and no doubt American fans will be gawking at Sir Herlings as if he’s some sort of zoo creature. I’d be high on the chances of the flying Dutchman if he wanted to unleash his full pace on the Yanks, but ah, he might just prove too smart for that. Herlings knows all of his speed will quickly be spied and stored into an American war room for a proper briefing and breakdown. Ellis Tomac will probably be the first to review the film, although I suggest he bring a box of tissues because this will be a tear-jerker for him! Haha! However, the fix might be in, mates. Herlings may simply choose to completely change his style so as not to give any indication of his true capabilities. Luckily, under normal circumstances, Jeffrey is an ocean away and the Americans have no way of seeing him. I’m no technological expert, but I’m well aware speed can’t be portrayed via telegraph! Sorry, Mr. Tomac, but there’s a chance Jeffrey goes “World’s Fastest Novice” on you this weekend just to lull you to sleep.
Obviously, a part of me hopes Jeffrey chooses not to go the smart route and simply unleashes his full fury. His team is capable of winning, thanks to the colinization of Calvan Van Vlander Ven, now a card-carrying, wood shoe wearing Dutchman. This is a strong power move for the team. You also have Glenn “Golden” Goldenhoff. It might be risky to tip the whole hand in front of all the Americans with their video recorders, but what price, glory, for the Dutch?
It’s painfully obvious that the Americans like to steal ideas. First, they saw that we Brits were a country and stole our idea and decided to make their own. Pitty. Second, Justin Barcia is engaged to a Brit. They will soon be married. While I admire this laddy’s taste, I imagine this as a thinly-veiled (literally) attempt for Barcia to jump ship and join the Brits outright. Actually, can we get this arranged next year? Imagine teaming Barcia with Ben “elementary my dear” Watson and Tommy Boy Searle, or even Maximum Mad Max Anstie. And speaking of Anstie, this reminds me of his bloody glorious double-moto overall sweep at Mattery last year, proving once and for all that he’s the greatest rider in the world, and likely the fastest red head ever. Oh, that was such a brilliant performance by Max and now that I’m thinking about it I’d like to take a few minutes to myself here! Hey, can I borrow that Ellis Tomac Kleenex box please?
(For the tears of joy!)
Okay, where were we? Yes, American copycats. Hmmm, me wonders where they came up with red white and blue in their flag? Also, Erin Plessinger. Last year Team American had its collective arses kicked via a French team that featured an enduro rider. Well, I wasn’t very familiar with this Plessinger lad but research indicates he was raised as a scrambles racer. Sounds familiar! Even if it does rain this weekend, Plessinger’s scrambles skills will do him no good if his bike can’t make it to the finish. Ask Cole “Blown Shock” Seal-y about that! Haha, see what I did there? Oh I make me piss me own knickers sometimes.
Okay, where were we? Yes, American copycats. Last year Jeffrey Herlings, recognizing the power of Ozzy Osbourne’s famous lyrics “I am Ironman” decided to put together his own one-man Ozzy tribute band. His tour headed straight to the Ironman American motocross event. Along the way, Tomac, realizing resistance was futile, began slowing so he could watch Herlings ride past, and try to learn. This is what the Americans do! But Herlings, again, was too crafty. The moment Ellis tried to lay eyes on him, Herlings ripped a tear off and threw it right into his face! Brilliant! Ellis was blinded momentarily and Herlings disappeared from view.
Speaking of Osbourne, I think we know who is to blame for all of this. Zacho Osborne was once one of the greatest Americans, leaving California behind for the greener pastures (literally) of England. Zach wanted to compete for British Championships! Many were skeptical that Osborne was only acting as an agent, soaking up European speed lessons in order to come back and dominate the Americans. After all, that’s exactly what he did! However, it was part of a bigger plan. Zacho raced his way to the ‘Nations team last year, then showed his true speed last year in qualifying. Graciously, he allowed others to shine on Sunday, when it was raining. He would not, could not, beat the Brits on our home muddy soil. He also couldn’t beat Australia’s next Chad Reed, young Lawrence Hunter. Much respect to Zacho for that and me thinks perhaps there was a spanner in the works from the other side. Was Zacho really there for Team USA, or perhaps as a backstop for the Brits?
Well, Team USA won’t have him this year. They’ve gone with the enduro rider instead. But you have to wonder who you can trust. Barcia has already shown his true love for true love with his true love, who is a Brit. Zacho, last year, was an agent on the inside. Can the Americans really trust Ellis Tomac? Is he really going to Bud Red to win or will he pull aside to try to catch a quick glimpse of Sir Herlings. Oh, imagine the scene if Tomac pulls over to watch Jeffrey, and Jeffrey pulls over to prevent the watching, and Tommy Boy Searle races past! Oh, get me the Kleenex!
Of course we should be talking about the French team here, but, oh my what have they done? Marvin Musquin has done heroes work all year sticking with Tomac, including the classic “out foxing at Foxborough,” a move that made me proud to say it happened in New England. Oh, if only Marvin were a Brit, we’d have been having a real tea party there!
Marvin even won the Bud Red race earlier this year, held during America’s darkest weekend. To rub it in, Dylan Ferrandis won the 125 class, making for a French coup de grace and an American disgrace. I certainly understand the French being mad about Marvin moving to America, I even held brief ill-will toward Tommy Boy Searle for a spell. Also, I still haven’t forgiven The Beatles. However, Marvin’s ability to consistently topple Tomac is too mighty to pass up. Perhaps the French already know what the other teams are about to learn. Don’t show the Americans your best stuff. They’re bound to copy it, kick you out, and try to create their own nation from it.