Motocross is a dangerous sport in which broken bones, knee injuries, concussions, and even paralysis are all too common. Fortunately, there have been many advances in safety gear over the years that have helped make our sport a little safer. But there’s still one huge obstacle that seems to ruin just as many, perhaps even more, budding racing careers than any on-track injury.
Let’s face it. Most motorcycle people love to party. Maybe the same gene that makes us like the excitement/adrenaline of riding dirt bikes is the same one that makes us weak to the allure of drunken debauchery? Who knows. The problem is, many of us let it get in the way of riding. We all know somebody, and are perhaps even that person, who plans on going riding Sunday morning, only to wake up with a fierce hangover after shooting Jaeger and chasing tail all night. Suddenly the thought of pounding out moto after moto in the heat doesn’t sound so appealing.
It’s understandable, too. Imagine you’re 21, hammered in a bar, and pretty sure the girl two tables over is looking at you. What are you going to choose? A night of drunken decadence or getting up at 6:00 a.m. and driving two hours to ride a track that alternates between extreme dust and sloppy mud (seriously, please stop soaking jump faces)? Now that I’m a little older (36 and married, with two kids), I’ll take moto any day. But when I was in my early twenties, a pack of wild 450s couldn’t have dragged me out of downtown Chico, California, on any night of the week, including Monday! All that partying took a whole lot of time and money that I now wish I would have devoted to riding my dirt bike. So, in the hopes of helping younger, aspiring racers, I took it upon myself to come up with a few safety devices to help prevent this specific type of injury.
Reverse Beer Goggles
This is something I’m surprised the major goggle manufacturers haven’t already come up with. The more you drink, the worse the girls start to look. They also make every drink look like a dirt bike part. For example, forty-ounce beers resemble race gas jugs, and half-naked co-eds grinding on the dance floor look like the chubby fella who takes your money at the gate. Just make sure you’re stacked up some tear offs, as one of the girls will likely throw a drink in your face when you ask her if the entrance fee is still $25.
While a good moto glove needs to have plenty of grip, this glove is just the opposite. Everything you try to pick up just slides right out of your hand. This includes, but is not limited to, pint glasses, beer bottles/cans, shot glasses, cue sticks, and the cougar perched in the corner. When you have these gloves on, it becomes virtually impossible to get drunk, thus ensuring you don’t ruin a perfectly good day of moto the following morning by waking up with the hangover from hell. They aren’t recommended for long periods of time, though, as the bar is likely to start charging you for broken glasses. On the plus side, when the gloves start wearing out, just spray some WD-40 on them and they’ll be good as new.
Just like the brace from which this device takes its name, it limits neck motion. This brace prohibits the wearer from tilting their neck back far enough to allow a beverage to flow into the mouth and down the throat. In addition, with proper adjustment, it becomes impossible to tilt the head and steal glances at girls at the end of the bar.
Unfortunately, this safety device is flawed in the fact that it makes no provision for straws. Future models are expected to have a carbon fiber guard extending beyond the chin that will prevent most types of straws from reaching the lips.
The Worn-Out-Knobby Sneakers
I’m particularly fond of this one. Not only does it perform flawlessly, it also utilizes worn-out knobby tires that would otherwise become useless landfill. The sole of this shoe is constructed from the carcass of old knobbies that have been soaked in spent brake fluid. Straight-line performance is minimal, and if you do anything but tip-toe around corners, your rear end is sure to step out, leaving you in a heap on the floor. When bouncers see that you can’t even barely walk without falling over, you’ll be tossed out of the bar faster than Jeff Alessi at Washougal (#lasergate). It makes it hard to get drunk when you are constantly getting kicked out of every bar or club you go into. Another thing this product has going for it is longevity. Just like the No-Grip gloves, a little WD-40, or equivalent, will boost the performance level of these babies back to brand-new.
These inventions might be a little, ahem, ahead of their time (I’m still waiting to hear back from Asterisk, EVS, and Alpinestars), so you won’t see them on the shelves of your local dealer anytime soon. In the meantime, you’re just going to have to control yourself without the use of these aides—which we realize is not going to happen. So here’s some advice, straight from this washed-up former bar rat: memories made on the track with riding buddies burn far brighter than the ones made in any bar or club. Besides, you won’t be able to remember most of those nights the next morning anyway, so you might as well load up and go ride instead.